Insane.

Last night, I saw things that I only thought I could see in a dream. Time was slowed to the ultimate. Here's how the night went:

I told my mother I was staying at Marcie's house, and as usual she believes me and let's me go on my merry way, but that night she told me she wanted a picture. I then texted Marcie and told her my plans to roll and that I needed a picture with her. She wanted to roll too, so I told Jessy to get another pill. While the minutes ticked, I waited for Jessy to get the drugs and to tell Marcie where to meet us. Jessy picks me up and we go to Kayla and Ashley's house. We wait quite awhile for Marcie and CJ to show up. Once everyone was there, we all popped. Everything was chill for about half hour. Then everyone was starting to feel it. I however only felt like about 30%. I kept going up and down. I didn't let that get in the way of my good mood. Marcie, Jessy and I were out on the balcony smoking ciggs when she suggested to drive to her house to get her weed. We agreed it was a good idea. We kept sitting and talking. I told Jessy I had an urge and he knew what that meant. So he came over towards Marcie and I and corners us and suggested a 3-sum. Marcie wasn't into it. We just kissed. Marcie and I started taking pictures, walking out to her car, talking and having fun. Kayla and Ashley then drove Marcie to her house to get the weed. While I was waiting I felt the music and danced. This is when I'm really feeling the Ecstasy. My body knew the music and felt every beat and I moved accordingly to the beat. It's like I could hear into the future what the next beat was.

Marcie and them came back. That's when we headed to the balcony. I was so excited. Marcie handed me the pipe and i was like oh, Hector always did the hole thingie. So Jessy held the pipe and lit it for me as I took the hit. We passed it around until I started to lose control. I felt my vision go fuzzy and I knew it was the same high when I smoked with Leo. I then forced myself to say that. Marcie told me it was good that I know that so now I know what to do, and to enjoy it. As like before, I freaked out cuz I didn't know if I was in my head or in reality. I'd feel like talking but I wasn't. Or I was talking and then all of a sudden I forgot what I was talking about. Which lead to repeating myself. My perception started to change, Everyone's head got larger as I stared at them. They looked as tall as skyscrapers. It truly felt like I was exploring my own dream. When we were in the dark, the picture was black and white. When I was in the bathroom, everything was brighter in color.

One time I went into the bathroom, and got a glimpse of myself. I started bawling at my reflection. I got closer to the mirror and stared at myself. I held my hand against the mirror wishing I was on the other side. The sober side. I looked so messed up. There was a rash starting on my lower lip, and my makeup was smeared. I was a mess.

Time felt forever. I couldn't sleep, I had to know what everyone else was doing. I felt guilty for becoming so fucked up. I let myself go overboard. Everyone else was starting to sober up and I was still very very high. I saw in Marice's eyes her jealously. I pulled her to the balcony and told how much I wished I was sober right now. She told me that she always wanted to experience an out of body high. I told her it was alot to grip. Your emotions are all out of wack. Something can seem fine for a second, but then you find out that you've been talking inside your head. It feels as if your watching a movie of your life. In 3D. You forget things that were just said. You try to remember what just happened, but it's gone.

Everyone was starting to go to bed. I slept peacefully, but was awoke to a knock on the door. It was someone of kayla and ashley taking the couches. Which was where I was sleeping. So I guess we were awake for the day. I was still very much high. I cleaned myself up before I saw the guests. We just sat for hours playing youtube videos, or watching the baby dance.

We left around noon to head to Jessy's house. As soon as we hit Jessy's bed, we passed out. When I woke up around 5, I came across wisdom:

When you're sober you crave ever so ofter to be messed up, but when you're really messed up you crave to be sober.

So many thoughts came through my mind. The fact that I let myself get this deep. how i promised myself I wouldn't do weed. How I felt this is all my dad's fault. I wouldn't have the need to get messed up and feel good, if he was more involved in my life. Majority of my problems, I've blamed my dad for not being there. I remember a time about five years ago, I was with my grandma out in the river swimming. we had a deep conversation about my father and how he doesn't talk to me. She told me that she'd talk to him to make it all better. I saw little difference after she talked to him. The attempts were weak. He never actually attempted to try to get to know me. It's all about how's your day, what's going on with school. Generic small talk.

Here I am now nearly two decades passed. He just got of rehab, but that doesn't make everything better. It just made it worse. I had nothing to blame now. As I was visiting him a couple weeks back, I felt so weird and uncomfortable. I didn't like the idea that he was in rehab. I wanted out. I thought why now? I'm all grown up. I didn't have a father then, so why would I need you now?

I just want out.