Life's wonders

The thoughts that cloud my mental strength have crystallized. Things I cannot explain. Overwhelmed by the sickness that occurs every time your hurricane comes crashing on my story. The decisions I must make are so different than the ones I have had in the past. This is more than some stupid high school fling. Dreaming of weddings in high school was the lifestyle. Now that I'm on my forth year from that high school bullshit, marriage has become less a priority for me. I've come to a point where I don't know what I want anymore. I just haven't had enough time for myself to grow, learn, and experience. 

I'm hanging out with my 5 year old sister, how can I not feel like a pedo. Even though we are doing normal sister activities; hair, make-up, dancing. The age difference just makes it all the creepier. Or maybe I'm just like her second mom, only aunt cool. I will be 37 years old when she turns 21. That's a whole generation difference. I have faced way more risks and troubles in my life before she ever had the chance to. I think that she will be just fine by herself, like I was when I grew up. She would always have her older siblings for support. How could I not bail out that 5 year old girl I always knew. 

I'm not even sure what I'm suppose to do in this point of time of my life. I'm 21. The years of partying. The best years of my life? The road looks more dusty than ever thrilling. Full of wrongs and meaningful rights. The law and order that everyone must condone to. The lifestyle we have driven to live by carved within our genes. At the same time, I want to experience different paths other than our set ones from our previous generations. What does that even mean? I want to be abducted by aliens for a good solid week, just to see what I'm missing out on. The new technology, and modern morals life has came to be. Gays hanging straights for raping a drag queen would be the hot topic. 

It still doesn't help decide where my life is going from this point on. How can I ever be satisfied with a broken body? By his words and thoughts consume me in the most dangerous ways. His brain is everything I've wished for. Brilliance must be one of his best traits, but why must he act so dim when I know of the intelligence that lies  within. He conceals the nerd inside, but I'm so attractive to it. 
On the other hand, I can choose the path of body and find out that he really is smart underneath all those muscles. I hope. How can he be a scorpion and not be a genius. He has to be more that just a piece of meat. The way he fell for me is foretelling that his looks are just pure luck. That he really is a good guy once I know him. Is taking the risk worth all the damage I may cause during this transition. Then again, I've been in love so many times, it feels replaceable so easily until one of you cracks. Love is such an obsession. Why would people spend their lives finding someone that completes them instead of finding what completes themselves. Making your own happiness is the only true way of living. Simple things shouldn't feel like a heart attack. Life is a fucking journey, Enjoy it!