Snorting isn't my favorite pastime, but what do you do when you're so fucking bored. Cabin fever. Stakes are highly set on passing that stage years ago. I just want to escape from this reality for awhile. Feel something from a different world. Crushing up those extra 6mg of Clonzo probably won't help this situation. Opioids. The fuzzy dizzy feeling. When did I start enjoying that? Maybe I don't even have a problem. Is bored a sickness? My anxiety, Is it even real? Or is it waiting for that next high? The next glimpse of freedom. The next out of control feeling. Not out of control, just not in control. My mind/thoughts are no longer in control. My body just flows. My body already has a plan when I'm doped up. It can just go. Freely, without questioning opinions of my mind putting me down. What kind of sickness is that? I need that barrier down. A restraint from being myself. Reserved from my own happiness. Where do I go from here? I need assistance, permission, liberation, approval, and the freedom. I'm in constant battle with my mind to do the right things. Not to shut down, unable to process the daily tasks. Is it a attention deficient? Is it a focus problem? Is it a self-esteem problem? Is that holding me back? Self-confidence, because I use to think I had that in High School. Before all the drug use. I thought I could achieve anything. Looking back, I dressed how I wanted to with no care as to how people thought. I came home and worked endlessly on my hobbies. (Sewing, Modeling, Editing) I thought I was highly confident, although I was still very shy. As of now, my world has flopped. I'm not that shy, but I have no confidence. How do I build that up? I need to take the negative people out of my life to move in a supportive uplifting group of people. I use to spend hours in front of the mirror talking to myself. It brought me into another world where I didn't need other people to be happy. I had myself and my reflection. We could talk about anything. Role-play and be the top Anchor for a special news crew. I'm starting to feel the effects of the fuzz. I still have much to say. NO one is out to get me. I need NEED to start looking outward. Noitice other people. How they are feeling? How cute that new hairstyle is? Selflessness is the nicest thing anyone can give. Giving is most important. More than most people would love to talk about themselves, or get a simple compliment.
"Wow, look at that necklace! Is that filigree?"
"Hello, I'm Jenny. I'm a stay at home Mom. I'm sous chef next to my grandmother in the kitchen."
"Call me crazy, but I just love vintage fashion."
My brain goes haywire after meeting new people. There's always that uncomfortable fear of your feet shuffling or looking down and away for too long. How can I help this behavior?
What is this behavior?
I can see it in front of me. That obstacle. The mountain. The treacherous journey that lies in front of me. Not for one moment, will I lose hope on my self. I can only chance. If that doesn't fly me in to happiness, then by then I will know who the real challenge is. I always hold hope for it. Guidance will be wrapped around us. Chains and thorns, tears and confusion. Lord, please help me. I give all my faith into you. I fear you. I've been up and down for the last seven years. The mood swings, the fatigue, the drained and exhausted mental power is running out of time and patience.
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